"Day of Da Spookies"
Jhonen Vasques & Rob Hummel
INT. MS BITTERS'S CLASS - DAY
Dib stands in front of a screen displaying pictures of a group of strange SLUG PEOPLE.
...and that's how I discovered that the sweaty people across the street were actually a family of giant slugs!
Man, Dib, can you GET any crazier? Next you'll be calling Sluggy a slug person!
Zita gestures over to Sluggy, a slug boy, sitting in his slime drenched desk, wearing a "no salt" shirt.
Heyyy... he IS a slug person. How long has he sat there?
ZIM (TO THE CLASS)
Looks like Dib's got some slugs of his own, and they're eating his brain!
The class breaks out into laughter, with Dib looking not at all happy with the nasty attention.
WHOAH!! BRUTAL, MAAN!! BRUTAL!!
DIB ( GLARING AT ZIM)
Joke all you want ZIM, but it's an open mind and my paranormal studies that've kept me on your alien tail from day one!
Alien. Pleeease. You know nothing.
I know you're from a race of planet-stealing aliens named IRKENS. Your brain is contained in that backpack of yours. Your eyes are synthetic implants... should I go on?
ZIM has grown paranoid and silent. He is obviously shocked to hear just how much Dib really knows. The entire class stares at him. ZIM steels himself and responds.
Oh yeah, well- HEY WHAT'S THAT!?
ZIM points at something and then runs from the class. The scene PAUSES.
INT. ZIM'S LAB - LATER
The previous scene was being played back on a screen in ZIM's lab, which is filled with Dib schematics and research. The image zooms into Dib's face, smiling proudly. GIR and MINIMOOSE watch attentively as ZIM talks.
What makes him diffrent? When all the other humans are blind like...little blindies, why does Dib pursue me?
Exactly, MINIMOOSE. His belief in his paranormal nonsense, that's why. But I have a plan to change all that and you'll all be helping me.
GIR jumps for joy at the mention of the plan and MINIMOOSE squeaks happily. INVADER SKOODGE claps wildly and cheers.
YEEAAAH! A PLAN! HOW EXCITING!
ZIM (SHOCKED IN A SURPRISEY WAY)
SKOODGE?! What are you doing here?!
I don't have anything to do. Since I conquered BLORCH, I've been living in your basement. So, how can I help?
ZIM (BITTERLY MOCKING SKOODGE'S VOICE)
"Since I conquered BLORCH blah blah blah." Quit rubbing it in my face! And my plan doesn't need any of your filthy SKOODGE help. GIR, MINIMOOSE, let's go!
ZIM runs out with a cheering GIR and a squeaking MOOSE.
EXT. DIB'S HOUSE - AFTERNOON
ZIM runs to Dib's door and rings the doorbell.
Who is it?
It is I, the legendary BIGFEETS!
ZIM then runs behind a bush with GIR. The two giggle with evil glee as we DISSOLVE TO: Dib excitedly opens his door and leaps onto his doorstep.
BIGFEETS! I knew you were real!
(there's no one there)
What?! No BIGFEETS!? IT WAS ALL A LIE!
(he starts to cry)
I've been wrong all along. Wrong about everything. Now I will stop hunthing ZIM!
He falls to his knees, SOBBING uncontrollably. DISSOLVE TO: We come out of Zim's little fantasy and see ZIM chuckling. In reality, an irritated Dib opens the door and peeks out. He sees nothing and closes the door. ZIM is confused.
Hmmmm.... time for plan B.
GIR and MINIMOOSE make sounds of awe.
INT. ZIM'S LAB - LATER
Once again, the group is gathered together, all watching ZIM. ZIM holds up a strange bodysuit covered with wires.
GIR (FOR NO REASON YOU WILL EVER KNOW)
WHAT IS IT? TELL MEEEE!! TELLL MEEEEE! AGHHH!!!! AGHHH!!!! TELL ME!! AAAAGH!!
ZIM (after a beat of irritation....)
A phantom suit! An invisibility shroud, basically. They're for military stealth missions, but I've made a few modifications and now they're "GHOST" suits! I AM AMAZING!!
Skoodge pops up from a vent in the floor.
WOW! What can I do to help?
Nothing! And shut up about conquering BLORCH! You got lucky! LUCKY I SAY!
(to GIR and MINIMOOSE)
Come on, our ghostly mission begins NOW!
ZIM hands out some suits to GIR and MINIMOOSE. They suit up and run off. SKOODGE goes back into the vent.
INT. DIB'S ROOM - NIGHT
A sleepy Dib sits on his bed with a horror novel in his lap. The words "CTHULU BADNESS" can be seen on the cover. The curtains blow inward. On his TV, a scary movie plays...
SCARY MOVIE ACTRESS
And now that you know my secret, I will drink your brainblood! BLUHH! BLUHHH!!
Dib nos off with the book in his lap. Suddenly, the TV turns off....ON ITS OWN! Dib doesn't move. More WHISPERING. Suddenly the window SLAMS shut...ON ITS OWN! Dib smacks his lips and turns his head, but does not wake. The book closes...ON ITS OWN! Dib momentarily awakens...
...lookout! That pony is possessed!
He falls right back asleep. A voice that sounds like ZIM's, only processed a little bit, comes out of the darkness.
COUNT GHOSTULA (ZIM O.S.)
DIB (WAKING UP)
COUNT GHOSTULA (O.S.)
Diiiiiiiib. It is I, Count Ghostula.
CRAZY VOICE (GIR, O.S.)
This is too scary!
COUNT GHOSTULA (TO GIR, O.S.)
Silence, my fellow ghost friend.
What's going on? Where are you?
COUNT GHOSTULA (O.S.)
I'm a ghost from beyond. Look.
ZIM, GIR, and MINIMOOSE in crappy ghost costumes fade into veiw. They float slightly above Dib's bed. Dib is in awe. ZIM does a graceful spin in midair. MINIMOOSE squeaks and lazily floats up to the ceiling, upside down. It just sticks there like that. GIR floats all over the place, making spooky noises, knocking things over and being more freakish than spooky.
WHOAH, there, ghost friend! You'll have to excuse him, he's not yet accustomed to being on the OTHER SIDE! WhOooOOOooooH!
ZIM gives GIR a swift kick in the butt.
GHOSTS! DAD! GHOSTS IN MY ROOM!
I'll be right there, even though you're insane!
No! We're not ready for anyone else to see us yet! We'll vanish forever! OooH!
Dib thinks about this for a second. As Membrane and Gaz appear in the doorway, ZIM and his ghostly cohorts fade away.
All right Dib, where are the ghosts?
Uh...my mistake. They were giant spiders... yeah. False alarm.
They growl and walk away, disgusted. Ghostula reappears.
Excellent. No one must interfere with our spoooky plan. We want YOU to help us reveal ourselves on live television where things can go horribly wrong and possibly ridicule someone.
That's an odd plan, but it could earn me the fame and respect I deserve! OKAY!
(Dib picks up the phone)
Hello? Mysterious Mysteries? This is Dib. No, don't hang up! I have three ghosts in my room! Send a camera crew down here immediately. Okay... COOL.
WELL? TELL Count Ghostula everything.
Well, they're sending a trained professional to make sure you're really ghosts. Only after they approve will the host show up to declare me the greatest paranormal pioneer of the century!
COUNT GHOSTULA (LOOKING NERVOUS)
Wait... an investigator?
ZIM looks out the window as the Mysterious Mysteries news van pulls up outside.
COUNT GHOSTULA (CONT'D)
Um...We'll be right back. We got some ghost stuff to take care of back in ghostland.
ZIM lifts the windowsill and starts to climb out.
Hey, if you're ghosts, why do you have to use the window to get out? Why can't you just walk throught the walls?
Uh, we just don't want to show off.
ZIM falls clumsily out the window, GIR blasts through the wall and MINIMOOSE floats down from above, not quite making it out the window. The little moose gently bumps into the top part of the window frame and sticks there. ZIM's arms reach in, grasping wildly until he snatches the moose.
EXT. DIB'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
The camera crew and the TRAINED PROFESSIONAL run up Dib's walkway. The PROFESSIONAL drops his briefcase and lags behind. The camera crew enters Dib's house. ZIM hides in the bushes with GIR and MINIMOOSE.
ZIM (WHISPERING TO GIR)
I wasn't counting on being examined. It'll ruin everything! That fool can't be allowed to investigate us.
The TRAINED PROFESSIONAL is still picking up stuff.
MINIMOOSE flies offscreen towards the PROFESSIONAL. We hear the sounds of a great struggle. When ZIM and GIR run over to the walkway, the PROFESSIONAL is bound and gagged in elaborate chains, with a squeaking MINIMOOSE atop him.
ZIM (WHISPERING) (CONT'D)
NOW, quickly GIR, launch him into space!
GIR throws the PROFESSIONAL up and out of frame. ZIM and GIR quickly duck out of sight.
Okay, we need a replacment Ghost Professional. Someone to keep our evil trick going until it is the perfect time to embarrass Dib. But who? WHO WILL PLAY THE PART?
I don't know.
ZIM looks disgusted and then opens his communicator.
INT. DIB'S HOUSE - LATER
Dib greets the camera crew at his front door.
Yeah. Where's the Ghost Professional?
I don't know. He was right behind us and then he kind of got launched into space.
Suddenly, the doors swing open, followed by the dramatic entrance of INVADER SKOODGE, who is dressed in a ridiculous robotic "professional ghost person" get-up.
Here I am, back from space! Now, where are the ghosts?
Everyone stares at him in shock.
INT. DIB'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
SKOODGE stands in front of the three "ghosts" with a bunch of odd looking equipment in front of him. The camera crew and Dib stand nearby. The crew is filming.
Okay, let's start the test off easy. Uh...let's begin with a question... are you ghosts?
MINIMOOSE SQUEAKS a positive sounding SQUEAK.
GIR (POINTING AT SKOODGE)
You live in the basement!
COUNT GHOSTULA (COVERING)
That's his way of saying "yes".
Sounds goos to me. Now it's time to see if you dance like ghosts.
COUNT GHOSTULA (GETTING ANGRY)
Uh, yeeaaah. It's in all the books. It's a ghost dance. You know.
GIR does a floating dance of insanity. MINIMOOSE sort of bobs back and forth in midair, squeaking all the way.
Um..Mr.Invastigator, I think we should move on. I don't...uh..where did you...?
ZIM notices SKOODGE is no longer standing where he was just standing. ZIM looks around and sees SKOODGE dancing with GIR and MINIMOOSE. ZIM looks miserable and kind of dances over to SKOODGE. When he's close enough, ZIM kicks him.
Ow! UH, OH YEAH. Very good.
COUNT GHOSTULA (ANGRY)
So, what's the next test!?
SKOODGE looks nervous, as all the people stare at him. He looks around the room for something, anything. He sees a terrarium with a lizard in it. He grabs a fistful of dirt and throws it into ZIM's face. ZIM crumples to the floor, swiping at his face and coughing violently.
INVADER SKOODGE (CONT'D)
YES! See, uh, ghosts are allergic to dirt. Yeah. So he's a real ghost!
ZIM (STARTING TO GET UP)
I guess it's settled, I-
GIR throws a clump of dirt into ZIM's face sending ZIM rolling and gagging again. Dib looks thrilled. While he speaks, ZIM feebly crawls around as GIR follows him and throws clump after clump into his master's face.
YES! THEY'RE REAL! That means-
Dib's door WHOOSHES open and the MYSTERIOUS MYSTERIES HOST enters with a spooky cloud of smoke.
Long have we belived ghosts were real, but NOW we have proof. THREE REAL ghosts and it's all thanks to Dib, the GREATEST PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR EVER TO LIVE!! CONGRATULATIONS, DIB!
Dib is adorned with a crown and a cape signifying that he is indeed the greatest paranormal researcher. Newspapers tout his discovery with headlines like "THREE GHOSTS!" And "DIB IS NICE!". The pictures show Dib with his three ghost friends posing in various locales. All this happens in seconds.
DIB (HAPPIER THAN EVER BEFORE)
Excuse me, I have a confession to make.
(he clears his throat then lets out an evil laugh)
It's all been a cruel hoax, a prank set up by Dib! NOW, SEE THE TRUTH!
GIR's and MINIMOOSE's disguises shut down so that we can see who they really are, a strange green dog and a floating purple moose. ZIM's own disguise flutters a little bit but doesn't shut off. He still looks like a ghost. He keeps hitting at some button on his chest.
COUNT GHOSTULA (CONT'D)
You see?!? The Dib has made foolf of you all! We're not ghosts. We're... wait... something's wrong with my suit. Hold on...
Count Ghoustula is right... We've been tricked! There's only ONE ghost! THREE ghosts would've been amazing, but only one ghost is crul and horrible!
Wait a minute, the controls are stuck...
He fiddles with the controls but they only make him emit SPOOKY NOISES and float a little higher.
Might as well take that ghost with us.
NO! SKOODGE! Tell them I'm not a ghost! Tell them you were in on it all along!
SKOODGE, looking nervous and frightened, runs like a child.
So it turns out Dib is the greatest insane fraud ever. His trickery knows no limits.
Wait! I didn't- OH NO! NOT THE CAMERAS!!
Cameras whoosh in and take more pictures. More headlines fly around, these much more evil looking than before. ZIM appears more wicked. In one he's accually a goblin. All are variations of the "DIB IS A FRAUD" theme.
Put the ghost in a ghost bucket for horrible painful tests.
ZIM is carried off in a bucket.
NOOOOO!! I AM ZIM!! I AM ZIIIM!
DIB (CALLING AFTER ZIM)
Well, I sort of win, ZIM. Have fun in-
Put Dib in an insane fraud bucket for testing.
Instead of being shocked, Dib just sighs as he's tossed into a bucket.
HEY! THERE'S RATS IN HERE!?
Indeed there are. Indeeeed there are. Let's get out of this house of lies.
Dib's squeaking bucket is picked up and everyone leaves.