Dib's Wonderful Life of Doom
Dark bubbling liquid begins to drain. Cut to a canister in the ceiling of the Skool cafeteria labeled 'caution' where the liquid is kept. The canister is attached to a series of pipes and tubes. Bellow, kids wait in line to be served the sludge. Aaron makes his way to the front of the line and a tube squirts a helping of the sludge onto his food tray. It splatters on his face and crawls into his eye sockets and mouth. It swirls around in his eyes like the black-oil from The X-Files. A strand of it connects the ceiling on his tray to his face as well. Aaron grabs his head and screams, then starts shaking his head furiously while moaning and groaning. His moans turn into sobs then snaps back to normal and walks away. The next child in line steps up. Zim glances over from a nearby table, wearing rubber gloves and goggles. Zim looks at his slithering black-oil meal. Zim pokes at it with a spoon, groaning. Zim looks up and notices all the children in the cafeteria are watching him. Crickets chirp. Zim pulls off the goggles and the rubber glove then eats a spoonful of the meal with a groan. Zim starts coughing. His eyes water and slobber drips down his face.
Zim: Delicious! Delicious!
Zim stands on the table.
Zim: I'm normal!
All the children slide away from Zim at their tables except for Dib, who is at the table across from Zim's on the other side of the cafeteria.
Dib: How am I still the only person to see Zim's an alien!?! I mean come on! Come on!
Dib turns to Weesly, sitting next to him.
Dib: Come on!
Gaz walks up.
Gaz: Why do you have to have a head?
Gaz takes a seat next to Dib.
Dib: Gaz, I want you to see this! Today, things are gonna change! I'm gonna do... something. I'm not just gonna sit back and watch Zim get away with his... his... things he do. I mean-
Gaz (impersonating Dib): Things he do? (no longer impersonating Dib) What's your problem?
Dib: Oh, you know what I mean.
Gaz sips her juice.
Dib: I'm just... (Dib holds up a muffin) I have to do something about it... something new! And soon!
Dib watches as Zim pulls on his spoon which is stuck to the food. Dib grits his teeth and grunts. Dib lies across the table, shaking his fist in frustration, grunting. Zim frees his spoon and taps his meal, which quivers. Dib holds up his muffin.
Dib tosses the muffin, hitting Zim in the head. It makes a squeaky noise.
Zim: What!?! Who!?!
Gaz: That... that was horrible...
Zim snatches the muffin.
Zim: Who did this!?!
Zim jumps on the table.
Zim: Who dares to soil my normal-boy head with this... pork cow!?!
Poonchy: That's a stinkin' muffin!
Zim: Silence! Whatever this is I will find the beast who threw it! I will find you!! Sleep peacefully now, for it is the last peaceful sleep you will know from this moment on!
Zim crushes the muffin in his hand and wipes away the crumbs.
Poonchy: But we're not asleep right now!
Zim screams, leaps off the table, and runs out of the cafeteria. Dib chuckles.
Gaz: Actually, that was kinda funny.
Cut to Dib's house. It is night and Dib lies in his bed, muttering in his sleep. The sound of a space ship landing is heard.
Dib (in sleep): Thank you, mister president.
Light fills Dib's bedroom. Dib wraps his blanket around his head then jolts upwards, awakening with a scream.
Dib: What!?! What's happening!?!
Two Meekrob enter through the window, their glowing bodies lighting up Dib's glasses.
Dib: Who... what -what are you?
With a flash of light, the Meekrob turn into shoes.
Dib: And why did you transform into giant shoes?
Meekrob: We are beings of pure energy. This is merely a form your human brain can understand.
Dib: But you just looked like aliens before you turned into shoes.
Meekrob: Hmmm... yes. But you couldn't comprehend that.
Dib: Yes I could.
One of the Meekrob slaps Dib with its shoelace.
Meekrob: Oh, forget that already. Now Dib... Dib... whatever your last name is...
Dib: That's right.
Meekrob: We are the Meekrob. And we have a common enemy, Dib: The Irken Empire! We are busy fighting them on our own planet, but have come to offer you a gift that can aid in your battle with them.
The Meekrob light up, making the room brighter. Dib's blanket is pushed away by an invisible force. Dib clutches to his bed but eventually is thrown against the wall, where he is pinned. He groans and screams as the sound of electricity surging through him is heard. The power going through him makes his skeleton visible in flashes.
Dib: It hurts!
The Meekrob laugh.
Meekrob: Yes... You now have the power to defend the Earth like never before!
Dib: Why... Why did you choose me?
Meekrob: You are the worthiest, Dib! And no one else had a head large enough to accommodate so much power. Now rest!
Dib falls asleep. He falls from the wall onto his bed. The Meekrob zoom out through the window in a blur, causing several places in Dib's room to set fire. The next morning, Dib awakens with a gasp.
Dib: A dream? Was it a dream? I feel... odd.
Cut to the kitchen. Gaz stands at the toaster. She turns it upside down and shakes it and a very burnt piece of toast falls outs. She picks up the toast and walks to the table and sits down. She begins eating the toast. Dib walks by with a huge grin, laughing strangely under his breath. He puts a piece of toast in the toaster and puts a piece of bread in. He then walks over to the table.
Dib: What an amazing morning, isn't it?
Gaz mutters something with her mouth full of toast, then send out a spray of toast crumbs on Dib's face. Dib wipes them off with his sleeve.
Dib: No really, something's... different.
The toaster pops up, sending the toast flying into the air. Dib quickly scoops some butter onto a knife and flings the butter into the air, then leaps up after it. The butter hits the toast and Dib takes a bite out of the toast in midair. The toast then lands on his plate on the table and Dib lands on the ground.
Dib: It wasn't a dream! I really was chosen!
Prof. Membrane enters the kitchen.
Prof. Membrane: Son, you're looking in good spirits today, you must've seen the light about studying real science!
Dib: No, dad! These alien shoes came into my room and gave me some kind of gift! I know how that sounds, but its true!
Dib leaps into the air, somersaulting midair, then lands next to the fridge. Dib pulls out a carton of Poop Orang juice and an empty glass. Dib holds the empty glass over the carton. The carton lid unscrews itself and hovers in the air while juice flows from the carton into the upside-down glass. The carton lid screws back on as Dib drinks from the glass. The carton and glass then hover back into the fridge.
Prof. Membrane: Those aliens were demented hallucinations...
Prof. Membrane shines a pen-shaped device on Dib's head which makes the inside visible.
Prof. Membrane: ...but, your DNA does seem to have evolved beyond that of normal human beings!
Gaz walks up.
Gaz: Hmmm... I guess I'm sorry about being so mean to you all those times then.
Dib: This is... this is just incredible! I should... I should see if this whatever it is really will help me deal with Zim! I'm gonna head over to his base! Hey... I'm speaking out loud to myself in an unnatural manner. Oh well!
Images of Dib in super heroic posses flash by.
Dib's voice during flashes: I AM DIB!
Dib walks out of the door. The door closes behind him by itself. Dib leaps into the air and flies over to a bush across from Zim's house, landing in it.
Dib: Oh man that was great!
Dib ducks down.
Dib: Time for some serious notes!
Dib puts on some electronic goggles and looks at Zim's house. Dib lifts up a notepad and pencil.
Dib takes off the goggles and puts the note pad and pencil down.
Dib: I'm sick of waiting and watching! I should take action! I'm... talking out load some more! Odd. I'm going for it!
Dib stands up and launches into the air. He lands in the middle of Zim's gnome field. He leaps up again just when the gnomes fire at him, causing them to hit each other. Dib lands at the front door. More Dib flashes happen.
Dib's voice during flashes: Dibby Dib Dib yeah!
Dib knocks at the door. Zim answers, in disguise.
Dib: I've got a few things to tell you, Zim!
Time passes, the sun is further down in the sky.
Dib: And that's all I have to say about that!
Zim: Ehhh... okay!
Zim walks away. He returns a second later with a suitcase and GIR (in disguise).
Zim: I can't argue with that, Dib. You've won. I'm giving myself up to the Earth authorities. It's been nice working with you GIR. Now self destruct.
GIR laughs, then explodes. Zim walks up to the sidewalk. A police car with sirens blazing pulls up. The door opens and the police radio can be heard. Zim enters and the police car drives away.
Dib: This feeling! The power... It isn't going away! Things really are going to be different for me! At last!
Dib takes a dramatic pose.
Cut to Dib's house, where Prof. Membrane and Gaz sit on the couch in the living room watching the news. Reporters interview Dib.
Hugh Monstro: You've opened the world's eyes to the existence of aliens Dib! Now what?
Hugh holds up a microphone to Dib.
Dib: There are many other mysteries still unsolved! I figure... you know... I'll do some of that.
Other reporters hold up microphones to Dib. Cameras flash as pictures are taken. Cut to the future, when Dib is a teen. A channel 52 news van drives down a road until it reaches an old mansion. Teen Dib stands at a podium. Behind him is a curtain. A crowd of people are in the mansion along with the news crew.
Dib: Ladies and gentlemen... ghosts!
Electricity spews from Dib's hands. He flies into the airs and grabs the curtain then yanks it down. An Abraham Lincoln Ghost sits in a floating rocking chair. A Shakespeare ghost hovers in the air with a book. A janitor ghost rides a broomstick and carries a bucket.
Shakespeare ghost: Hey.
The janitor ghost waves.
Janitor Ghost: How ya doin'?
Abe ghost: Hello.
Ghost voice: Hi.
Man in audience: Dib rocks!
In the background, a fat man bites a sign he is holding in half. Britney Spears pushes the man out of the way.
Britney Spears: Oh, I love you Dib!
More time passes, now Dib is an adult. His hair spike has gotten more spiky. He has a girlfriend grabbing onto his arm. They stand on a pier of Lake Spooky. A crowd watches at the edge of the lake.
Dib: And to prove that the Lake Spooky monster is real, this task force has granted me permission to drain the lake!
A hatch opens up on one of the wooden supports of the pier, revealing a button.
Dib karate chops the support. A fishing boat in the lake lowers as the water begins to drain. Once the water is completely drained, it is revealed that the entire lake floor is covered in monsters. The crowd claps. A reporter named Alan pushes a woman standing at the edge of a pier into the drained lake.
Alan: What's left to be discovered now, Dib?
Time passes. Cut to a small room with lots of devices where Zim is kept in a tube. He is veiny now with lots of wires in him. A wire goes into him where his left arm should be and another where his right eye should be. The door opens slowly and Dib (who is now in his 30s and wears goggles now) stands there with his new girlfriend clutching to his arm.
Dib: It's been years, Zim!
Dib walks over towards a computer.
Zim: 20 of your years to be precise, enduring these indignities!
The computer Dib walked over to begins printing out a reading of some sort as Dib's hand glows. As Dib turns to face the print-out, his hair knocks into his girlfriend.
Zim: The only reason I have not tried to escape is because it amuses me!
Dib: Amuses you to what?
Zim: Ah yes... the invasion!
Dib: I didn't ask you about the invasion!
Zim: Oh, you didn't? Well, you were supposed to. Eh.. Well... they'll be here! The Armada will come and there's nothing you can do about it!
The tube where Zim's left arm was breaks. Zim looks at it.
Dib: We'll see, Zim! We'll see!
Dib turns around and runs, causing his girlfriend to fall to the ground. A few more years pass. Jets fly over the Dib Institute. Dib stands behind a podium with another new girlfriend in front of a crowd of people.
Dib: To better study the coming alien menace-
Dib shoots a laser beam from his eyes. A UFO crashes behind the institute.
Dib: -I am proud to open the Dib Institute of Paranormal Studies, slash school of paranormal tolerance, slash museum, slash snack bar!
Electricity pours from Dib's hands. Dib yells and sends a blast of the electricity at a tree. The tree flies into the air, revealing a snack bar behind it. The crowd cheers and some crowd members rush to the snack bar. The tree falls back down and crushes them. The rest of the crowd continues to cheer. Adult Gaz stands next to Dib. Fire works go off and jets spell out 'DIB' with their exhaust. Cut to a few years later. A soldier runs down some steps and down a hallway holding a piece of paper. He bursts into the bathroom.
Soldier: Sir! They're coming!
The toilet in one of the stalls flushes. Dib stands up in that stall. Only his hair spike is visible, as it is so big it is taller than the stall. Cut to a door with a door with a sign on it that says 'United World Association of Fighting Enemies.' Inside, Dib briefs some soldiers. He draws The Massive on the chalkboard.
Dib: The Massive, the Armada capitol ship! The side pods are filled with snacks!
A chicken flies by. There are many chickens in the room. A sash on the wall says 'Earth's Best.'
Dib: It's their weak spot. Alpha... you'll be bringing down The Massive!
Dib points to the chalk drawing with a pointer. Electricity surges up the pointer.
Soldier: But Dib! ...Sir! Who'll lead Alpha Squadron?
Dib snaps the pointer in half and the pieces spew electricity. Cut to the cockpit of Dib's ship. Dib sits there, electricity spewing between his palms. Alpha Squadron hovers in place out in space. A nearby satellite gets blasted by the oncoming Irken Armada. Dib shoots electricity from his hands, making the controls to his ship come to him. Alpha Squadron attacks, followed by hundreds of other Earth ships. They fly right into the Irken Armada, both sides shooting lasers at each other and destroying each other's ships. Dib's ship spins toward The Massive. Dib grunts and yells, making karate-like noises. The cockpit opens up and Dib leaps out unprotected into space, electricity flowing through him. His helmet shatters and his hair scratches into a Spittle Runner flying over him. He sends out a blast of electricity, destroying the Spittle Runner. Dib goes foreword and lands on The Massive's windshield. Dib and the Tallest stare at each other. Purple sips a soda. Dib leaps upwards, yelling some more. He runs along the surface of The Massive. As he goes, a Spittle Runner fires at him. Dib runs between the blasts and shoots lasers out of his eyes at the ship after he runs past it. More Spittle Runners fire at him and Dib does various kicking attacks on them, destroying them and flipping across the Massive's surface. Dib leaps into the air and lands on one of the fuel tanks. Dib uses his electricity to cut out a chunk of the pod. Dib lifts it up, sending the snacks into space.
Red: Our snacks! It's over! Retreat!
Purple watches as Red hovers away in retreat. The sound of Red sobbing is heard. Purple looks back at the windshield and opens his mouth in a scream as an Earth fighter shoots through the windshield sending Purple flying. The Earth fighter continues firing lasers as it flies into The Massive. The Massive starts to loose control. The amount of Irken fighters has diminished greatly. Dib stomps and smashes another Spittle Runner then flies towards Earth, The Massive falling behind him. Cut to Earth. A crowd has gathered around a stage where Presidentman waits with an award. Dib lands on the stage. Behind him, The Massive crashes into the ground kicking up a huge cloud of dust. Snacks fall from the sky. The crowd cheers, grabbing the snacks. A fat shirtless man with 'Dib' painted on his chest catches a snack in his mouth. The Massive is crushed in the impact. Presidentman gives Dib the award then starts clapping. The crowd stares as the dust cloud comes nearer. Presidentman stops clapping and looks as well. Some of the crowd shield themselves and look terrified or speechless. Just as the dust cloud is about to sweep over them, Dib kicks his foot and the dust disappears. The crowd cheers. Cut to Dib as an old man on a talk show.
Dib: And that's how I was awarded the 'greatest person ever to live' award!
Alan: You've lived quite a full life, haven't you, Sir Dib?
Dib: Yes, Alan. It was everything I could've hoped for... and more! And I even got to ride a moose!
The audience claps.
Alan: And who could forget that day!
Alan: Yes, well, we thank you for sharing your incredible life with us and for allowing the human race to survive!
Dib: Hoho yes.. You're welcome!
Alan: And, uh, oh, if I may say... there's one final question that would settle the curiosity of your many fans! Did you throw the muffin at Zim's head?
Dib laughs nervously.
Dib: Wow, heh, that's going back a long ways. As a matter of fact... I did.
Alan's head is replaced by Zim's, as with all the head in the audience. The Zim-audience laughs. Dib looks speechless. The talk-show fades and Dib reverts back to his skool-boy form, revealing that he was in one of Zim's holographic chambers the whole time. Above him, in a pod, Zim watches Dib on a view screen. Dib speaks to Dib through the intercom.
Zim: I knew it! I knew it was you!
Dib: What? There aren't shoe aliens!?!
Zim: Get out.
Dib gets up and starts walking away sadly.
Zim: Oh... Just one more thing!
Zim presses a button on the control panel. Dib looks up and sees a cannon-like device aim at his head. Dib shields himself as light pours out of it. The light stops and Dib looks up. A muffin shoots out and hits Dib in the head. The cannon device retracts. Zim starts laughing as Dib stumbles out, rubbing his head. Dib stops at the exit.
Dib: You stink, Zim!
Dib exits, the door closing behind him. Zim continues laughing as the lights dim.