Hobo 13

The main view screen in the Tallest's lounge room shows the schematics for a Plasma-armed Battle Tank.

Purple: Plasma-armed Battle Tanks...

The main view screen changes to show the schematics for a Maim Bot.

Purple: Maim Bots...

The main view screen changes to show the schematics of a Death Wave Cannon.

Purple: Death Wave Cannons...

The main view screen changes to show the schematics for some Taquitos.

Purple: A sack of Taquitos?

The main view screen changes to show Zim in his Transmissions Room of the lab.

Zim: Just a few supplies I need to complete my mission!

GIR pops in next to Zim from the ceiling.

GIR: You get my Taquitos yet?

Red walks over to a table holding a drink.

Red: Your exile- eh, mission, is to observe the planet, Zim!

Red sits down. Purple nods his head.

Red: Not annihilate it!

Red sips his drink.

Zim: Yes, but... I'm quite good at annihilating!

GIR pops up on the other side of Zim from bellow.

GIR: Taquitos!!! And a clown with no head!

Purple now holds an electronic note pad thing.

Purple: Look, we'd love to grant your request but, uh, we think you're insane!

Purple winces.

Purple: ...untrained!

Zim: Untrained!?! Invader Zim!?!

Red: You're trained as an Invader, Zim! Battle Tanks are for hardened soldiers.

Zim: Hmmm!

Zim crosses his arms.

Purple: Hey! How 'bout we send Zim to Hobo 13! It's the, um... (purple examines his electronic note pad) finest military training planet ever! Zim, on Hobo 13 you'll be torn limb from limb!

Red stands up.

Red: Evaluated! Uh, evaluated as a soldier! If you pass, we'll send you a big bag of Battle Tanks!

Purple: But not that clown thing.

GIR pops up in front of Zim.

GIR: Headless clown! Headless clown!!!

Zim knocks GIR away onto the floor.

Zim: Very well, my Tallest. To attain my tanks I will allow the evaluation of my incredible brain meats.

GIR gets up and runs away. Zim salutes.

Zim: Zim out!

GIR pops up in front of Zim.

GIR: How 'bout clown Taquitos?

The transmission goes into static. The Tallest grin. Cut to Zim flying away from Earth in the Voot Cruiser. The Voot Cruiser goes into hyperspace.

Zim: Hey! Hey GIR! GIR! Check it out!

Zim sings a verse from the Invader Zim opening credits song in 'doos.' The Voot Cruiser goes out of hyperspace right in front of planet Hobo 13. A sign in space hovering in front of the planet says 'Hobo 13.' The Voot Cruiser flies down into the planet. Cut to the military training center on Hobo 13. A group of trainees, including Zim, are gathered in front of Sergeant Hobo 678. The alien next to Zim eats a sandwich.

Zim: With my mighty fists of horror and unstoppable cruelty, I am the tool of destruction, vengeance, and fury!

Hobo 678: I only asked for your name! Next!

Hobo 678 points to Throbulator.

Throbulator: I am Throbulator! I am a creature of pure headache! Yeeow, my head!

Hobo 678: Your name, that's all I want! Gah!

Skoodge: Invader Skoodge... sir!

Skoodge salutes Hobo 678.

Zim: Skoodge? I thought the Almighty Tallest killed you!

Skoodge: Yeah, but I'm okay now! (the sound of flies buzzing is heard) They said they'd promote me if I passed the evaluation!

Zim: Hah! Foolish, gullible Skoodge!

Hobo 678: Your first task you scum-pudling squag doogies... is to choose a leader! Anyone who disobeys the leader will be eliminated! Think carefully, this is the most important...

Zim: I choose me! Zim shall lead! Object and taste my revolting vengeance of power!

The aliens glance at each other.

Hobo 678: Just remember... with leadership comes great responsibility! You take care of your team... and you survive! With honor!

Zim: Yes, yes, get on with it! My Battle Tanks await!

Hobo 678: Prepare yourselves, you slime-licking smort crabs, to face a series of trials! The finish line is the dreaded fortress of... PAIN! Any mistakes and you will be beamed away, to a losers holding pen!

A beam of light appears from the sky and lands on the sandwich eating guy. He is sucked up into the sky. His sandwich falls to the ground.

Hobo 678: The holding pen of PAIN!

The Zootch-slug alien pokes the sandwich with a stick.

Throbulator: The holding pen is painful!?!

Hobo 678: Yes!

Throbulator: Does it have to be?

Hobo 678 scratches his chin.

Hobo 678: Not really... Now move it out!

The aliens start moving along. Zim hums. The Zootch-slug carries the sandwich on a stick. Cut to the Tallest's lounge room. Many of the Invaders now sit at tables or lounge chairs. The main view screen shows what is happening at Hobo 13.

Hobo 678: Hey, no singing! Get in step! Shape up! Let's look like a military unit!

Red: As you can see, brave Invader Zim has begun his journey to the fortress of pain!

Service Drone Bob walks around with drinks on his head.

Purple: Anyone wanna bet he gets blown up?

Invader Sneakyonfoota: A thousand monies something eats him up!

The Invader next to Sneakyonfoota grabs a drink from Bob and sips it.

Purple: Okay...

Purple scribbles on his electronic note pad.

Purple: Anyone for chopped in half?

Invader Tim: Ooh, me! I bet 2 thousand monies!

Purple writes on the note pad.

Red: You realize that if nobody bets for Zim we could be out a lot of monies.

Purple: Anyone for Zim succeeding? Come on!!

Service Drone Bob walks up to the Tallest. Red points to him.

Red: You! Table-headed service drone Bob! You will bet 5 hundred thousand monies on Zim!

Bob: But... I only make 5 monies every two years!

Purple: 5 hundred thousand for Zim!

The Invaders cheer. Bob's eyes water. Cut to a canyon filled with lava on Hobo 13. The team is gathered next to a tree on one side.

Hobo 678: First you must use your wit to cross the molten pit of hideous creaming pain!

The team now wear power suits, which consist of gloves similar to the Tallest's and boots. Zim wears a new backpod too.

Hobo 678: Your power suit will provide some protection, but nothing will defend you from a stupid mistake!

Sergeant Hobo 678 jumps over the pit, flipping midair.

Zim: Child's play! We shall stand on each other's shoulders, and fall forward forming a bridge... to safety!

Skikkiks: Why don't we just cut down that tree and walk across? It's safer and... you know.

The team murmurs in agreement.

Zim: Are we going to have trouble, soldier?

Cut to the team standing on each other's shoulders, except for Zim. Zim pokes Skikkiks' leg with a squeak, and the pillar of aliens falls over. Throbulator, who is at the top, grabs some rocks on the other side, forming a bridge. Skikkiks grunts. Zim begins walking over the aliens.

Skikkiks: Can't... hold... on!

The ground Skikkiks is grabbing onto with his feet begins to crack.

Zim walks to the other side. Throbulator groans as Zim steps on his face.

Throbulator: Errrrr, my head!

The ground Skikkiks' feet hang onto crumbles and the bride of aliens starts to fall towards the opposite cliff wall. The aliefons are able to pull themselves up except for the last three: Skikkiks, Khaaaak, and the fish guy. They fall into the pit.

Skikkiks: You're a horrible leader!

Beams of light from the sky pull them up right before they hit them lava.

Zim: Victory!

Hobo 678 growls.

Purple: Um...

Red: That shouldn't of happened.

Service Drone Bob waves a 'go Zim' banner. He types into a calculator-like device.

Bob: For me...

Bob mumbles to himself as he continues pressing buttons. Cut to the team on top of a canyon on Hobo 13.

Hobo 678: This is the stinking canyon of the ferocious meat-thirsty Hogulus!

Zim: Of pain?

Hobo 678 growls. He tosses a slab of meat down into the canyon in front of a Hogulus' cave. The Hogulus can be heard growling.

Hobo 678: It's simple: navigate from this end to the far end... alive! Good luck.

Hobo 678 flies into the air using jets on his boots.

Zim: I have a plan, but I will need a volunteer to distract the hog beast!

Skoodge: Yes sir! I am your loyal-

Zim kicks Skoodge and he falls down into the canyon, screaming. He rolls along right into the Hogulus' hoof. The Hogulus growls as it looks at Skoodge. Skoodge runs screaming as the Hogulus chases him.

Zim: Let's go!

Zim starts climbing down the canyon wall. The aliens look at each other/ Cut to the canyon floor. Zim runs along, the rest of his squad following. Skoodge screams and the Hogulus kicks up a lot of dust. Hobo 678 flies along the canyon and lands on the far end. Zim climbs up.

Zim: Another job well done!

Hobo 678: What about your soldier Skoodge?

In the background, the other aliens begin pulling themselves up.

Zim: It's what Skoodge would've wanted. Heh, huh, I mean oh no! Skoodge is in trouble!

Zim grabs a huge rock and grunts as he tries to move it. Zim scratches his head.

Zim: Hmmmm...

Skoodge (in background): Nobody's helping me!!!

Zim opens up his power suit glove panel, which shows a power meter. He presses some buttons.

Hobo 678: What do you think you're doing?

Zim: I'm programming my suit to steal energy from the rest of the team! Here I go!

Khaaaak falls to the ground, electricity surging through him. The electricity goes into Zim's suit.

Khaaaak: Arms... and... legs.... useless!!!

Zim: With enough power I can lift the boulder and throw it at the monster! No one will say Zim never tried!

Zim takes a dramatic pose. The power meter on Zim's glove slowly goes up. He looks down into the canyon where Skoodge's screaming still echoes. More dust is kicked up.

Zim: Ehhh, takes a little while, doesn't it?

Zim closes the compartment to his glove.

Zim: Okay, I tried. The fortress of pain awaits!

Zim marches away.

Zim: Hmmmm, hmmm...

Hobo 678 puts a hand over his forehead. Cut to the Tallest's lounge.

Bob: If Zim finishes, I get 6 million monies!

Bob's eyes water and he makes a happy noise. The Tallest looks at each other. Purple holds his glass out to Bob as Red drinks his drink.

Purple: Oh Bobby? It appears I need a refill. Thanks.

Bob: Aahh! Get it yourself!

The Tallest look at each other. Cut to a laser trench on Hobo 678. The squad runs through it dodging the lasers, with Zim in the lead. Throbulator follows, then the rat guy who carries Nub Bubbins, then the Squee alien who carries the Zootch-slug, then the bat guy, then Crystal. Zim makes it to the end of the trench and leaps through some laser sensors that ring as he goes through them. Hobo 678 waits for them out in front. The rest follow, except for Crystal. She dives for the the exit and lands right in front of it. A beam of light shines on her from the sky and sucks her up.

Crystal: Curse you Zim!

Crystal screams.

Zim: I am invincible! All I had to do was reprogram the laser turrets to lock in on, uh, eh, what's her name, that one person, um...

Hobo 678 growls.

Zim: But, she was a fine soldier and better luck to her in the future!

The remaining team mates look at Zim angrily. A montage of clips showing different trials follows. First is the team walking along a rope over an acid lake. Zim takes the back this time. He starts to loose balance and he grabs onto the alien in front of him, the Squee Alien, knocking him off the rope. He is beamed into the sky. Zim continues walking. Cut to a large maze. A flying robot snake thing flies over the maze. The team runs along the last stretch of the maze, Zim in the back again. Zim looks behind him and sees the snake thing closing in. The rest of the team except for him and Nub Bubbins make it to the exit. The team cheers on Nub Bubbins as he waddles towards the exit, but Zim dives down and tosses him into the air. Nub Bubbins squeals as the snake-thing catches it in its mouth. The team looks up at the snake-thing as it flies away, then looks back at Zim. Zim wipes his hands. The Tallest watch speechlessly. Bob waves a little flag. Cut to the team near a swamp full of plant monsters. The bat guy, the rat guy, and the Zootch-slug hide behind one rock while Zim and Throbulator hide behind another. The first three team members try and sneak by, but Zim throws at the ground rock near them. The plant monsters attack them, giving Zim and Throbulator a chance to run to the sergeant as the other team members have monsters latched onto their faces. Hobo 678's lip quivers angrily. Cut to Zim and Throbulator standing outside the fortress of PAIN.

Zim: Behold, the fortress of PAIN! What was your name again?

Throbulator: Throbulator!

Zim: Yes, soldier! I have a very special mission for you!

Cut to the inside of the fortress. Something pounds against the door. With every thwack, Throbulator groans. Then green liquid spews threw the door cracks. The door opens up and Zim is holding Throbulator as a bludgeoning tool. His head is limp and splatted.

Throbulator: Throbulator.... feel NOTHING anymore!

Throbulator is beamed away.

Zim: Good work, team! Team?

The sound of a bird screeching is heard.

Zim: Oh well...

Zim runs into the fortress.

Zim: Well, I made it to the fortress. Victory's mine!

Hobo 678: Oh no, Zim! No victory for you!

Hobo 678 hovers downward from the ceiling.

Hobo 678: Because of your incompetence your entire squad was eliminated! You are a disgrace to Hobo 13!

Zim: But... I survived every trial! I'm the ultimate soldier! I must get my equipment or I... won't get it!

Hobo 678: Then defeat me, Zim! Let this be your final challenge! I'm really looking forward to twisting you into a twisted, horrible knot... made from you!

Hobo 678 lands on the ground. He rubs his fist into his other palm angrily. Rods rise up from the ground forming a circle around Hobo 678 and Zim. A beam of electricity connects each rod.

Zim: Hey, that's neat!

Hobo 678: This circle is surrounded by a transportation field. First person to be pushed through that field gets transported to-

Zim: The holding pen of pain?

Hobo 678: No, it's full! Now the loser gets sent to... the outhouse of madness!

Zim: Heeh?

The sound of a toilet flushing is heard. Hobo 678 yells as he leaps towards Zim. Zim yells as he leaps towards Hobo 678. They collide midair and Zim knocked to the ground. He falls on his back, his foot brushing up against the transportation field. Zim rolls forward.

Zim: Hoo-ah!

Hobo 678 jumps into the air. Zim jumps out of the way as Hobo 678 lands where Zim was a second ago. Hobo 678's robotic arm shoots out, ripping up the floor as it flies at Zim. The robotic hand hits Zim from from underneath and Zim is sent flying. Hobo 678's arm retracts. Zim lands at the edge of the circle. He is sweating and he begins typing into his power glove. Electricity begins spewing from his gloves.

Zim: I have you now!

Zim runs away, barely avoiding Hobo 678 as a throws a punch at Zim. Zim runs away, electricity connecting Zim's power suit and Hobo 678's robo-arm. Zim groans.

Zim: No!

Hobo 678's robo-arm launches out and grabs Zim by his head, pulling him towards him. Zim yells.

Zim: No!

Zim groans. Hobo 678 pushes Zim's head up against the transportation field. The edge of his head blurs as it is transported. Zim's feet drag along the floor leaving marks.

Hobo 678: You are the worst student I've ever had!

Zim: Perhaps you have trained me too well!

Hobo 678: No, really. You're the worst.

Zim glances at his power meter. It slowly goes up.

Hobo 678: Your cheating arm trick won't help you now, Zim! No team mates left to steal power from!

A panel on Hobo 678's arm springs open, revealing the robo-arm's power meter, which is going down rapidly.

Hobo 678: I win!

Zim grins, then punches Hobo 678, sending him flying into the air, screaming. Skoodge runs up to the doors of the fortress of pain, panting.

Skoodge: Zim! I escaped from the canyon! I made it! I'm alive!

Hobo 678 grunts as he lands on Skoodge. The Hogulus looms over them, growling and drooling.

Skoodge: Where am I? What am I seeing? Oh my! Oh no!

The Hogulus grabs Hobo 678 in its mouth. Hobo 678 screams. Hobo 678 grabs Skoodge and hits the Hogulus with him repeatedly. Skoodge says 'ow' with every thwack. The Hogulus runs away with its prey. Skoodge screams. Hobo 678 moans.

Hobo 678: Put me down!

They continue screaming. Zim walks out of the fortress. He picks up Hobo 678's dog tags.

Zim: Um... this completes my evaluation!

Zim tosses the dog tags away.

Zim: The Tallest can deny my request no longer! I AM ZIM, BRING ME THE TANKS!

Cut to the Tallest's lounge.

Bob: You can serve yourself from now on!

Bob removes the table from his head and flings it away. Bob laughs. The Tallest look down on Bob angrily, then at Zim on the view screen. Cut to Zim's new ship flying in space.

Zim: It sure was nice of the Tallest to give me my own ship!

Zim waves his hand over the controls, but nothing happens. He does this repeatedly.

Zim: And they tell me if I prove myself as a fleet commander they'll give me my tanks and my own battle cruiser. Hey, why are these controls locked anyway?

Zim glances back at Bob, who is tied to the back of Zim's chair and as duct tape over his mouth. He tries to speak. He gets one of his arms free and points to the window. A sun is visible in it. He points to the window, while sweating. The ship flies closer and closer towards the sun.