Mysterious Mysteries

The Blotch sits on a throne in a small stone room. The screen is slightly pixilated since it is a recording. His eye twitches. He squeals and grunts, then he snorts, then snorts some more. Some of the children of the bright and shinning saucer are in the room with the Blotch. The anchor for Mysterious Mysteries of Strange Mystery holds up a microphone to Yoa. The Blotch continues grunting as Yoa talks.

Yoa: And, like the alien said, 'go to the Blotch! The Blotch knows,' so I like left my husband and came out here to commune with the Blotch!

Children of the Bright and Shinning Saucer: The Blotch knows! The Blotch knows!

The anchor holds the microphone towards himself.

Anchor: What exactly does the Blotch know?

The anchor holds the microphone back towards Yoa.

Yoa: Um... The future? I dunno.

Yoa coughs.

Yoa: It's, eh, really hard to make out, you know?

The Blotch starts screaming.

Yoa: He does that sometimes.

The camera pans out so we see the Anchor sitting in a chair, watching this recording of the Blotch on a screen on a control panel in the Mysterious Mysteries studio. On the recording, the Blotch starts screaming again. The anchor puts his hands on his head and shakes his head in disgrace. The producer opens the door and peeks inside. She wears a badge that says 'We Make Magic!'

Producer: Hey, got bad news. YOU'RE FIRED!

The producer laughs.

Producer: Gotcha!

The producer laughs some more.

Producer: No, you're not fired, but you will be unless you liven up the show!

The producer walks away. Alexi Aaronovich walks in holding some files under his arm.

Alexi Aaronovich: Submissions for next week's show!

The anchor takes the files.

Anchor: There has to be something good here!

He thumbs through the files and pulls out a sheet of paper and examines it.

Anchor: An unusually fat baby? No.

He puts the paper back and pulls out a new piece with a photo paper clipped to it.

Anchor: Angry mutant beef jerky. No!

He crumples up the paper in his hand.

Anchor: D'oh, it's hopeless!

Alexi Aaronovich: Well, there's always that stuff that crazy Dib kid keeps sending in.

Alexi motions to a door labeled 'The Dib Archives.' The anchor shudders. His eye twitches.

Anchor: No. No! Not after what happened that last time!

The anchor feels a scar on his face. Dib flashes on screen. The anchor opens the folder on top of the pile labeled 'pigfoot' and finds a picture of a man in a pig suit inside.

Anchor: Pigfoot!?! Oh, this is ridiculous!

The anchor puts a hand on his forehead. He looks up at the door to the Dib Archives. He raises an eyebrow, then looks back at the pigfoot picture. He sighs. The anchor gets up and drops the files on the floor. He walks over to the Dib Archives. He opens the door and flips on the lights, revealing that the Dib Archive is a large room full of boxes, creates and bags full of letters and papers sent in by Dib. As the anchor walks through, the sounds of animals are heard such as hooting and howling. The anchor stops in the center of the room and looks around. He looks down and sees a video disk lying there. He raises and eyebrow and bends over, picking it up.

Anchor: Its got to be better than pigfoot.

The anchor walks out of the room and sits back into his chair at the control panel. He sticks the disk into a slot. The sound of Zim and GIR laughing can be heard.

Anchor: Get the van!

Alexi runs out of the room.

Anchor: I think we got something!

New opening credits for Mysterious Mysterious of Strange Mystery roll. It starts out with a magnifying glass going across the black screen making the words 'Mysterious Mysteries' appear, followed by the word 'of' which simply flies into place, followed by two electrically conductive poles appear that spell out 'strange mystery' between them in electricity.

Anchor's voice: Mysterious Mysteries of Strange Mystery!

Light shoots through the screen. The screen changes to show a video of a bigfoot like man in his underwear walking through the forest. The Anchor appears standing in front of the screen.

Anchor: Now, harder hitting...

The screen changes to show the Loch Ness Monster.

Anchor: ...faster paced...

The screen changes to show a U.F.O.

Anchor: ...and even more mysterious!

The anchor stands on the set of Mysterious Mysteries, which is a platform with a 5 chairs and a few television screens in the background displaying things from the opening credits.

Anchor: Are we alone in the universe?

A screen lowers behind the Anchor.

Anchor: Tonight we'll show you some intriguing video that may just answer that vexing question!

The view screen displays a tape made with a hand held video camera that shows nothing but bushes. The camera focuses on this video screen so that it takes up the whole screen. Dib's hands are seen pushing through the bushes. Zim stands next to a tree out of disguise while GIR sits on a branch out of disguise looking at a floating light. Zim is muttering while GIR is squealing happily. Dib speaks and Zim and GIR look at the camera.

Dib's voice: Look, Gaz! You're my witness! He is an alien! I have him on tape! I have you on tape witnessing it!

The camera falls to the ground and goes into static. Cut to the anchor standing outside of Dib's house.

Anchor: Thanks to a horribly large headed boy named Dib, we have a new piece in the puzzle that is the search for alien life! I set out to investigate!

The sound of a car crashing and a car alarm going off is heard in the background. The Anchor walks up to the front door.

Anchor: Kids play without fear in the streets of this humble hamlet! In fact, it's the kind of place where you don't even have to lock the door!

The anchor opens the door and walks inside. Gaz sits on the couch eating popcorn while watching TV.

Gaz: Who are you!?! Get out of my house!

Gaz throws the bowl of popcorn at him. Dib runs up to the anchor.

Dib: Oh, wow! You're here! I knew one day you'd come! I knew it!

Cut to footage of Dib and Gaz as babies. Dib is playing with blocks.

Anchor (voice over): Young Dib has been chronicling the paranormal nearly all of his brief life.

Dib spells out 'aliens' in the blocks. Gaz walks over and kicks the blocks. Cut to a photo of Zim sitting at his desk. The words 'photos courtesy of Dib' appear.

Anchor (voice over): So, when a green kid claiming to be a human boy with a skin condition...

A new photo replaces the last one. It shows Zim sitting alone at a table in the cafeteria with a tray of food.

Anchor (voice over): ...entered his classroom, he says...

A new photo appears. It shows Zim dragging GIR (in disguise) along the side walk.

Anchor (voice over): ...he was prepared.

Cut to the Mysterious Mysteries studio. Dib sits on one of the chairs on the set. The words 'Dib: large headed believer' appear.

Dib: Look at him. He's so... green!

Anchor: Help us... clear up what happened that night.

The screen goes black and the words 'dramatic reenactment' appear.

Dib (voice over): I was monitoring some of the higher frequency radio waves...

The screen fades in to show a set of a forest somewhere in the Mysterious Mysteries studio.

Dib (voice over): ...when I picked up on an alien distress signal! So I went out with Gaz.

Actors portraying Dib and Gaz walk on set. The Dib actor holds up a cardboard camcorder. The Gaz actress wears a mask/helmet made to look like Gaz's head.

Dib (voice over): She's kinda my sidekick.

Dib actor: We are close now! I feel it in my brain!

Actors playing bushes are up ahead. They hide behind pieces of cardboard made to look like bushes, but their legs are visible and they are moving.

Gaz actress: Oh, golly! What is that?

The Gaz actress puts her arms around the Dib actor.

Dib actor: Stay back, Gaz!

The Dib actor pushes her back with one arm. She stands in place as the Dib actor continues on. The bush actor walk off set, revealing a large cardboard tree where actors playing Zim and GIR are. The Zim actor wears a mask/helmet made to look like Zim's head while the GIR costume is made from cardboard boxes. The glowing light is recreated with a light bulb hanging from the tree. The ladder leading up the tree is visible behind the tree.

Dib actor: Look, Gaz! You are my witness! He is an alien! I have him on tape! I have you on tape witnessing it!

The Zim actor pulls out a laser gun which he shoots at Dib. Purple glowing orbs shoot out. They come from a little hole in the fake tree but it is meant to look like they are coming from the Zim actor's laser. They fly past the Dib and Gaz actors. Dib pretends to get hurt, then Gaz grabs her head and screams. A stage hand can be seen eating something and watching up on the catwalk. The Dib actor throws his cardboard camcorder. Zim drops the laser and dives for the camcorder, but so does Dib. They both tug on it.

Dib (voice over): He tried to wrestle the video away from me, but I was too much for him!

The Zim actor lets go and falls to the ground.

Gaz actress: Dib! The glow!

The Dib actor drops the camcorder and climbs up the ladder behind the tree. He shoves the GIR actor out of the tree and yanks on the light bulb. He rips it from its cord and throws it, grunting. It lands near a cardboard bush and shatters. Smoke starts to rise from the bush. It sets on fire. Water is poured on the bush until the fire is out. Cut back to the set where the real Dib sits.

Anchor: Aliens? That's quite a claim! Are you prepared to defend it?

Dib: I think my video speaks for itself.

Anchor: This young man denies your accusation!

Zim walks on the set (in his skool boy disguise) and sits in the chair next to Dib.

Dib: What's he doing here!?! He's the alien!

Zim: I came to put a stop to all your alien talk!

The words 'Zim: Alien?' appear on screen.

Zim: When will the lies end!?!

Anchor: Well, Zim. I guess my first question is... are you an alien!?!

Zim: LIES!!! The filthy Earth boy lies!!! I mean, no.

Anchor: Well, what about the video?

The camera zooms up on one of the view screens until it takes up the whole screen. It shows static, then the static is replaced by the black screen that says 'dramatic reenactment.'

Zim (voice over): I was out playing...

The screen fades and cuts to the set of the tree where the Zim and GIR actors are. The Zim actor shins a flashlight in the GIR actors face.

Zim (voice over): any normal Earth larva when he came looking for trouble!

The Zim actor gives the GIR actor the flashlight. The Zim actor walks down the ladder. The Dib and Gaz actors approach.

Dib actor: Hey new kid! Give me your lunch moneys!

Zim actor (speaking with British accent): But I need these moneys to buy nutrients!

Dib actor: Give me the moneys or I'll tell everyone you're an alien!

Zim actor: Leave me alone! I just want to play!

Dib actor: Fine!

The Dib actor lifts up the cardboard camcorder.

Dib actor: Look Gaz! You are my witness! He is an alien!

The Zim actor cowers.

Dib actor: I have him on tape! I have you on tape witnessing it!

Two stage hands can be seen on the catwalk eating pizza. The Dib actor lowers the camcorder, walks over to the Zim actor, and pushes him down. He shakes the ladder until the GIR actor falls out of the tree. Water sprays out of two valves under the eyes of the Zim Actor's Zim mask.

Zim: Boo hoo hoo hoo!

The screen fades out and cuts back to the set where Dib and Zim sit.

Dib: That didn't happen!

Zim: He lies!

Anchor: Calm down, you two!

Dib: You'll never get away with this!

Zim: Silence, you tiny brain... head!

Dib: What about that glowing thing? Look at it! That's no human glow!

Anchor: We asked an expert.

The screen cuts to a recording of Prof. Membrane examine a photo of the glow. The words 'Membrane: Expert' appear.

Prof. Membrane: Possibly a weather balloon...

Prof. Membrane lowers the photo.

Prof. Membrane: Or swamp gas!

The recording ends and the camera zooms back out to show the set.

Dib: Swamp gas?

Zim: He's crazy! Ask anyone in our class!

Cut to a recording of The anchor interviewing Zita in the skool hallways. He holds a microphone up to her.

Zita: Dib? Yeah... He's pretty crazy...

Rider of Bikes peeks into view behind Zita. Cut to a recording of Rob in the back of the classroom. Rob is on his knees. A microphone hangs from the ceiling next to Rob.

Rob: He told me my daddy was a yeti.

Rob sniffles and grabs his head.

Rob: My daddy's not a yeti! HE'S NOT A YETI!

Rob starts crying and bangs on the wall. Cut to a recording of Meelina outside of the skool. The anchor holds a microphone up to her.

Meelina: What's up with his head?

Cut back to the set. The recording ends.

Anchor: Well, Dib. I guess the question for you is... are you crazy?

Dib: Of course they say I'm crazy! That's what they always say about visionaries!

Beeping is heard.

Dib: What's he doing? What are you doing!?!

Dib points at Zim, who is holding a small beeping device.

Dib: Calling your space friends!?!

Zim: Nonsense! It's my medication!

Zim swallows the device whole. He struggles to get it all the way down his throat. Once it goes down, his eyes start watering.

Anchor: Come on boys! This is national TV! Some people's jobs are on the line!

The anchor pulls on his collar.

Dib: This is insane! You've got to talk to my sister! She saw the whole thing!

The screen cuts to Gaz walking down the street.

Anchor: Zim. Tormented child with a skin condition scheming demon from the stars?

The camera follows Gaz.

Anchor: Dib. Misunderstood visionary or raving lunatic? Perhaps only this little girl knows. Excuse me?

Gaz walks by a small garden. She grabs a hunk of the soil and hurls it at the camera.

Gaz: Go away!

The anchor wipes the dirt off the screen and spits out some.

Anchor: I wanted to ask you a few questions about your brother. maybe you can set us straight on the whole craziness issue.

Gaz turns to face the anchor. He lifts a hand up in terror and groans. Cut back to the set. Gaz now sits in the chair by Zim. The words 'Gaz: Dib's scary sister' appear.

Anchor: Gaz, after what you saw, do you believe that your brother got proof of intelligent extra-terrestrial life?

Gaz: Intelligent? No. My stupid brother Dib dragged me out to look for stupid Zim. He didn't make that part up.

Cut to the reenactment set. The Dib actor drags the Gaz actress along. He hits himself in the head repeatedly with his cardboard camcorder. The two bushes get out of the way, one of them tripping on the way out.

Zim actor: Duuhhh...

Dib acotr: Duhheee...

The Zim and Dib actors both start making sounds like they are mentally retarded. The Dib actor points to the light bulb in the tree. A stagehand can be seen sitting in a chair on the catwalk.

Zim and Dib actors: Shinney!

The both laugh.

Zim actor: Duuh?

The Dib actor clears his throat.

Dib actor: Look Gaz! You're my witness! He is an alien!

The Zim actor falls over.

Dib actor: I have him on tape! I have you on tape witnessing it!

Dib actor: Duhhh...

The Gaz actress kicks the Dib actor in the legs. He falls over and drops the camcorder. The Gaz actress crosses her arms. Cut back to the set. The anchor sits in his chair. A microphone drops from above and hits him in the head, snapping him back into reality.

Anchor: Huh? Oh. It looks like we'll never know what really happened that night. I'd like to thank you all for watching what will almost certainly be the final episode of Mysterious Mysteries.

Alexi Aaronovich walks on set and whispers something into the anchor's ear. He then leaves.

Anchor: Uh, it seems we have a surprise witness who was there and claims to know the truth!

GIR walks on set, out of disguise, with his face blurred out.

Dib: But he works for the alien!

The words 'Stacy: witness' appear.

Anchor: Restrain him!

The sound of Dib screaming as someone puts him in a straight jacket is heard. GIR waves to the camera.

Anchor: Now, what can you tell us about Dib?

GIR: He's so mean to my master! He not like the Zim! I seen it! Dib is bad! Yeeheeheehe!

Anchor: And about the night in question?

The screen fades to the black screen that says 'dramatic reenactment.' The screen cuts to the set where the actors are. The Zim actor climbs down the ladder.

GIR (voice over): I was the chubby lady hiding in the bushes!

A camera zooms in on a woman hiding behind a cardboard bush. Her face is blurred out.

Anchor (voice over): Uh huh... And what about Dib?

GIR (voice over): I'm on TV!

Up in the tree, the GIR actor uses the flashlight to make a shadow puppet with his claw.

Anchor (voice over): Yes, then what happened?

GIR (voice over): That's when the giant squirrel showed up!

An actor in a squirrel suit walks out from behind the tree.

Zim (voice over): GIR!

Anchor (voice over): Let her talk!

The GIR actor shines the light on the squirrel.

Anchor (voice over): Can't you see she's upset? Now, don't you mean Dib showed up?

The GIR actor shines the flashlight up at the sky.

GIR (voice over): No! The squirrel showed up first, then Dib showed up.

The Dib and Gaz actors walk into view. The Dib actor spots the squirrel and starts screaming. He throws the camera down.

Dib actor: Whoa man! What is that thing!?!

GIR (voice over): And then the squirrel ate Dib's greasy head!

The squirrel actor leaps on the Dib actor and pretends to eat his head. The Dib actor kicks his legs, screaming. The Zim actor lifts up his mask. The squirrel actor then gets up.

GIR (voice over): And then the squirrel flew away!

Two cables lower down and attach to the squirrel, one to his head and one to his tail. They start to lift him up. The cable on his head rips through the costume so that only the one on his tail is attached. It pulls the squirrel into the air and through the set. The squirrel then appear against a blue screen background of outer space.

GIR (voice over): After that, he went back to his home planet to fight all the bad guys.

The tail of the squirrel costume rips off and the squirrel actor plummets down. Two guys dressed, one dressed as a bird creature and the other as an axe-wielding beetle/turtle monster, sit in a sandbox with the space background behind them. The squirrel actor crashes down on the bird actor and then bounces back and hits the beetle actor, knocking him down and sending the axe flying. The screen fades and cuts back to the set where everyone is sitting.

Anchor: What does that have to do with anything?

GIR: Me and the squirrel are friends!

Cut back to the reenactment set. All the actors just stand there except for the Squirrel and Stacy, who dance to some happy music. A man on the catwalk pulls on a cable which lifts up the Dib actor, who is on a stretcher. Cut back to the set. Coughing is heard. The anchor's eye twitches.

Anchor: I'm so fired. Eh, um, well, the only conclusion I can come to is that Dib is crazy!

The anchor looks at GIR.

Anchor: This one here, definitely crazy.

The camera pans to Zim.

Anchor: I feel bad for the ugly green kid, but there's a decent chance he's crazy too!

Zim: But not an alien?

Anchor: Nope.

Zim: Okay.

Anchor: Just crazy.

Zim stands up and makes a triumphant little noise. He marches away, grabbing GIR on his way out. The blurring doesn't follow GIR so his face is visible as Zim drags him away.

Anchor: Nothing matters anymore!

The anchor stands up.

Anchor: Maybe I'm crazy!

The anchor makes crazy noises and turns his head back and forth while spitting.

Anchor: Crazy!

Gaz gets up and leaves. The anchor keeps making crazy noises. He waves his hands and runs up to the camera. He puts his hands on the screen and makes noises while turning his head and twitching. Cut to the control panel where the anchor watches this recording with the producer watching behind him.

Anchor (on recording): We're so cancelled.

Producer: I think this is the best work you've done!

The anchor puts his hands on his face.

Producer: Crazy gets good ratings!

She punches him on the shoulder.

Producer: Give me more like it!

The producer leaves and the anchor lifts his head up. Flashes of him acting crazy in the camera flash along with flashes of Dib.