"Nubs Of Doom"
by Eric Trueheart & Jhonen Vasquez
INT. A SHOPPING MALL WE'VE USED BEFORE - DAY.
The mall. Teenage girls bury their heads in piles of clothes and giggle. A Sale Sign goes up and they scream. Mothers drag kids by their heels. As the people pass by, they glance uncomfortably at something off-screen then hurry along. The children point, faces uncomprehending.
Pan over to find ZIM and GIR in a dark corner, near a waste receptacle, dressed as clowns. ZIM just stares out evilly at the passing people. GIR simply stares, holding balloons.
ZIM (to GIR)
Look at them, GIR. THEY think we are clowns. But we are not clowns.
GIR gasps in shock. The un-clowny truth is news to him.
The longer we stand here, the more they will trust us. Then in their docile clown-trusting state, I will destroy them.
ZIM laughs quietly, until a family stops to stare at him. ZIM begins stomping and waving his arms mechanically.
ZIM (IN CREEPY SING-SONG VOICE) (CONT'D)
Clown, clown, clown, clown...(extended dialogue)
As the family watches the bizzare clown show, GIR see a Hot Cheese Log vendor and hobbles off-screen.
I gonna play with the cheese.
ZIM goes about his clown dance, oblivious to GIR's absence until there is a commotion nearby. Something breaks.
SECURITY GUARD (O.S.)
There's a clown in the cheese!
PAN OVER to fing GIR flopping out of the cheese cart, slathered in ropes of melted cheese. He giggles and shambles around like something escaped from cheesy hell. People flee.
NO GIR! NO! NOT AGAIN!
GIR falls down, the drying cheese making it more difficult to move. He giggles. The damaged cheese cart tips over, realeasing a flood of liquid cheese horrer.
EXT. SHOPPING MALL - DAY.
The furious cheese covered security guard throws ZIM and GIR out of the mall. They slam into a garbage can. GIR eats the cheese off ZIM's head.
UGH! I can't take you anywhere without you ruining my plans, GIR. This couldn't be any more humiliating.
The garbage can reveals itself to be a disguised Dib.
Hey-ya! I was watching you the whole pathetic time, ZIM. If IRKENs are so advanced, why is your robot such a loser?
HEY! At least he's better than YOUR stupid sidekick!
ZIM points at something near Dib. Dib looks down.
That's a soda can.
Who's pathetic now!?
ZIM runs off dragging GIR.
INT. ZIM'S HOUSE - DAY.
ZIM kicks open the door, tired, cheese-covered, clown-suited. The RoboParents burst from the closet.
ROBO-MOM & ROBO-DAD
Welcome home, son!
They slam into the walls on either side of ZIM.
WARNING: Unauthorized clown detected!
The furniture flips over and cables snake out from all directions. They grab ZIM, binding him above the floor.
GIR! Help meee! GIR! GIRRRR?
ZIM strains to lift his head, and sees GIR at the sidewalk with his little pig friend, handing some bills to an ice cream man. GIR gets two SUCKMUNKEYs, holds one out for the pig to suck on, and walks out of sight. ZIM looks at the RoboParents doing circles and sparking. ZIM sighs.
I think the time has come for me to get a new assistant.
Be quiet, clown.
INT. DOOR OUTSIDE ZIM'S LAB - DAY.
GIR, in his doggy suit, paces back and forth, jumping up, trying to get a look through the energy window in the door into the lab. GIR pokes at the window, and receives a shock.
INT. ZIM'S LAB.
Stay outside, GIR! I'm working.
ZIM hovers over a big workbench surrounded by holo-schematics. Big evil machinery things point down at it.
Incredibly, GIR's head penetrates the energy window, obliterating the doggy suit's head. GIR's metal head struggles violently against the energy waves.
WHATCHADOIN?? HUH? WHACHOODOIN!?
It's a secret, GIR!
ZIM shoves GIR's head back through the window, and covers it with a metal seal. He returns to the workbench.
Computer! I need a helper worthy of ZIM.
I shall fabricate an Obey-o-nator-2000X, The most unquestioningly obediant computer brain in the galaxy.
I need more unquestioningly!
Do not question me!!
Okaaayyy. I'll see what I can do.
The words FABRICATING flashes on the main holo-screen. ZIM watches the progress anxiously.
TRACKING THROUGH THE BOWELS OF ZIM'S HOUSE.
...as conduits channel all sorts of energy and matter from the depths of his generators and storage tanks. A massive amount of stuff comes together at a REPLICATOR PAD in front of ZIM. The energy is huge and loud... and produces a MONSTROUS COMPUTER BRAIN hovering in the pad.
ZIM (LIKE DR. FRANKENSTEIN)
NOW! State of the art propulsion system! Advanced arm-thingies! MORE! MORE! This is to be the ultimate in sidekick technology.
He goes mad pressing buttons. Images appear on screen.
OUTSIDE THE DOOR GIR sucks on a SUCKMUNKEY, listening.
INSIDE, a massive amount of STUFF has now collected on the REPLICATOR PAD, all hovering-like. ZIM surveys it.
Good... very good. Now just one last thing.
ZIM opens a communications channel to the VORT. A VORTIAN ENGINEER appears on a screen.
VORTIAN ENGINEER (BORED)
Hey ZIM. Whatchawantthistime?
Well, I'm making a new sidekick, see, and I was hoping to build some really scary, insanely powerful weapons into it.
You mean like a top secret experimental VORTIAN DOOMSDAY device?
Yeah, that sounds pretty scary.
Among the collection of stuff appears a MONSTROUS VORTION POD. Lights on it pulsate ominously.
Thought you'd like it. Y'know, I'm still in prison, and I was wondering if-
ZIM cuts the signal.
Computer, assemble these elements into the most powerful assistan ever devised!
ZIM watches as the pieces swirl around forming into something. We only see ZIM's amazed face, lit by the incredible light show. ZIM smiles through it all.
INT. ZIM'S LIVING ROOM
ZIM stands in the kitchen entry before an assembly of his sidekicks (GIR and the Robo-Parents). ZIM looks around, irritated.
I said I wanted ALL my henchmen presant for the unveiling! GIR, search the house for the computer.
The computer voice speaks from the walls.
But, I AM the house.
ZIM (TO EVERYONE)
Well, okay then. We're all here. Now... cringe in fear at the newest, most amazing addition to ZIM's army of evil, MY INCREDIBLE NEW SIDEKICK! MINIMOOSE!
MINIMOOSE floats in from the kitchen, purple, smaller than GIR, and even less threatening.
He got nubs! Let's go swimmin', Moose!
GIR grabs the moose and runs towords a small wading pool. ZIM snatches MINIMOOSE from GIR's hands.
NO GIR! Those are nubs of DOOM!
MINIMOOSE squeaks happily.
EXT. ZIM'S FRONT YARD - DAY.
ZIM holds a big box in his front yard. GIR is at his side.
Your job from now on GIR is to never touch MINIMOOSE. There's experimental DOOMSDAY technology built into it. Very dangerous stuff. Understand?
GIR (MATTER OF FACT)
Good. Now begin the tests of MINIMOOSE!
ZIM opens the box. MINI-MOOSE just hovers there and squeaks.
ZIM (MAKING TEST UP AS HE GOES) (CONT'D)
MINIMOOSE! Uh...go find some Earth meat.
Mini-Moose PEEPS, then slowly floats off screen. ZIM turns around and looks at a timer.
A little slow, but we'll see how- oh kabloom!
ZIM turns back around and sees a moutain of cows piled on his front lawn. They MOO in confusion. MINIMOOSE floats atop the pile and squeaks adorably. ZIM smiles. GIR licks a cow. ZIM looks down the street at the sound of an approaching mob of humans. They carry picket signs.
NO! An angry mob from "People Against Piling Cows" is heading this way. MINIMOOSE, protect the base!
MINIMOOSE flies off to the mob, who stop, apparently listening to what the MOOSE is saying. ZIM can't hear the discussion. The people lower their picket signs.
PICKET SIGN HOLDER
Well, the little moose is right everyone. Let's go play tennis.
The mob turns around. MINIMOOSE floats back to ZIM.
Oh no! The fleeing mob has accidentally broken open the reservoir causing a giant tidal wave. MINI-MOOSE!
Mini-Moose floats off. We hear the sound of a TIDAL WAVE. Then nothing. WATER drips onto the ground at ZIM's feet.
Great work, MINIMOOSE!
HAH HAH! You said it.
INT. ZIM'S LIVING ROOM - DAY.
The Robo-Parents beat themselves against a wall. ZIM adjusts his wig on his head. MINIMOOSE floats next to him.
Listen up! MINIMOOSE and I are off on our first mission together! Should we succeed, then I shall truly declare my new sidekick a success.
Pick me up a SUCKMUNKEY.
No GIR. The mission doesn't involve getting you snacks. Um... listen, this is sorta my first mission without you...
He looks around. GIR looks at him, wall-eyed.
I know how much it must upset you, but you have to understand....you're horrible.
GIR stares at ZIM for a beat. ZIM looks back, expecting GIR to break down crying. It's very emotional.
You get my SUCKMUNKEY yet?
ZIM throws his arms up in disgust and leaves.
EXT. CONVENIENCE STORE PARKING LOT - NIGHT.
ZIM waits out in front of the store with MINIMOOSE disguised as a tiny, chubby airplane.
A convenience store, MINIMOOSE. The first part of your final test. Dib'll be along soon enough, so we should hurry. I must make sure you have none of GIR's weaknesses.
A man walks out with a SUCKMUNKEY. ZIM SMACKS him. He runs away, leaving his SUCKMUNKEY.
MINIMOOSE, do YOU want a SUCKMUNKEY? Like my OTHER, more HORRIBLE sidekick? Huh, huh, huh, huh?
ZIM waves the drink temptingly in MINIMOOSE's face, but the moose only squeaks and shows no intrest in the drink.
EXCELLENT, MINNIMOOSE! Truly you are the sidekick I always wanted! If I were capable of love, I might accually love you, maybe!
ZIM smiles, until he notices the SUCKMUNKEY in his hands is now huge, and apparently a disguise worn by Dib.
HA! I was the SUCKMUNKEY all along, ZIM! I got you now!
Got me how?
You know. Got you.
Yes. Er. But it is I who have got YOU! I knew you'd follow me! And now you get the honor of being the first victim of my flawless new superhenchman, MINIMOOSE! No longer will your laughs taunt me! MINIMOOSE! Activate your Doomsday Device and destroy the Dib!!
With a huge flourish, ZIM flips back and covers his ears, wincing in expectation of something huge and amazing. A dull wind blows MINIMOOSE's costume off, but that's it. The moose simply floats and gently bumps into Dib's face. It's cute. ZIM runs up and snatches the moose away.
MINIMOOSE! Unleash the... uh... Where's the trigger for the... uh... It's somewhere in here. How do you... AGH!!
ZIM turns Mini-Moose over in his hands, trying to find a switch for the doomsday device.
This is sad. I'd send pictures of this to Mysterious Mysteries, but you trying to open a moose would get me laughed at.
Dib walks off.
NOOOO! MINIMOOSE! NOOOOO! WHY HAST THOU FAILED MEEEE!? NOOOOOOO!!!!
ZIM collapses to the ground, a misrible mess while dramatic music swells. MINIMOOSE squeaks, and bobbles.
INT. ZIM'S LIVING ROOM.
ZIM opens the door, dejected. The RoboParents rush out.
ROBO-MOM & ROBO-DAD
Welcome home, son!
They move so fast to the door that they fly out into the street and slide on their faces to a sick stop. ZIM throws the still smiling MINIMOOSE on the floor.
He's yours, GIR. His Doomsday device doesn't work. MINIMOOSE is a failure.
YAY! I get to play with the moose!
Playin' with the moose!
GIR starts to roll aroung on the Moose. There is a beep. Suddenly a BIG THUNDEROUS VOICE comes from the Moose.
DOOMSDAY DEVICE ACTIVATED!
Mini-Moose unfolds into a horrifying array of weaponry. ZIM and GIR stare at it, frozen. The MOOSE-THING glows bright.
EXT. ZIM'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
The windows flash from within. There is a terrible rumbling. The house almost lifts off the ground with the force of the horrible release of power. The house settles, damaged.
INT. ZIM'S LIVING ROOM
The house is a charcoal ruin. The MOOSE returns to its normal, tiny shape. ZIM and GIR still stand, barely. ZIM suddenly raises his arms.
ZIM and GIR collapse into the rubble.
INT. ZIM'S LIVING ROOM - LATER
ZIM sits on the couch with a strange sense of contentment. He likes on an IRKEN licking stick. The RoboParents SLAM around the room, destroying things. MINIMOOSE floats into the room with a screaming GIR riding his back.
Ah well. Computer, bring me some ear plugs.
I don't want to.
ZIM shows no sign of anger. He just sighs.