"The Return of Keef"
by Danielle Koenig
EXT. SKOOL PLAYGROUND - DAY
Hiding behind a tree, Dib takes notes as he watches an odd-looking child play on the monkey bars.
Subject Woozly: possible werewolf or-HEY!!
Dib is suddenly splashed with a blue liquid. He turns to see a beaming ZIM holding an empty container.
HAH! Prepare for the end, Dib! You've just been splashed with my most diabolical creation EVER!
AAARGH!! IT BURNS!! I'M MELTING!
Wait...that's not what it does.
DIB (NOT TERRIFIED)
Oh, oh yeah. So what DOES it do?
ZIM (GLEEFULLY EVIL AGAIN)
It causes anyone who gets happy to blow up! MUAHAHAHAHAHAH!!
But I'm NEVER that happy, especially when I'm covered in goo.
ZIM looks at his empty bucket and looks back at Dib.
You may have won the war, Dib, but you have not won the...the thing bigger than war. I will create more happy popping juice and sneak up on you when you're happy!
I won't be happy until you're destroyed!
NEVER!! NEVERRR!!! AAAAGH!!!
ZIM storms off. Dib looks after him, smug. When Dib turns to walk away, he sees KEEF standing just an inch away from him.
Wow, Dib you're so lucky to be friends with ZIM! I was friends with ZIM once. Those were the best days of my life!
Friends? Um, actually-
Isn't he just the best?!
(getting an idea)
You know what, ZIM is the best. And I have something that'll make him really happy. Wanna help?
Boy, DO I!? If I make him happy, ZIM might even let me come near him again without taking my organs out! YAY!
Great, here's all you have to do! Just take this BRAIN ROTTER, and put it on ZIM's head! Easy! ZIM loves these.
Keef lets out a shrill squeal of joy and takes the BRAIN ROTTER. He runs toward ZIM. Dib smiles.
Keef, in his wild enthusiasm, runs into ZIM, accidentally attaching the Brain Rotter to ZIM's ass.
Hey buddy! It sure has been awhile, huh?
ZIM plucks the device off and glares at KEEF, who just smiles. ZIM sees Dib hiding in the distance.
Still hiding, Dib is surprised when KEEF slides in on his face, having been tossed by ZIM. As soon as Dib looks for where ZIM went, ZIM, out of nowhere, clamps the device on Dib's head. Dib runs around, screaming.
ZIM laughs and walks off.
WOW, look! He really IS happy!
Keef drags Dib off.
INT. DIB'S HOUSE - LATER THAT DAY
Dib enters, a bandage around his head. He stops short when he sees Gaz, Membrane and Keef watching TV. Only Keef notices Dib.
That's my friend Dib.
Gaz growls. Dib pulls Keef aside.
KEEF?! Um...I don't think us being friends is gonna work out. Go home.
Oh, okay Dib. I gotcha.
Dib breathes a sigh of relief and heads to his room.
INT. DIB'S ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Dib flicks on the light and is shocked to see Keef sitting on a new, second bed across from Dib's own. Dib's room has been converted into a cheery happy place. Keef sits on HIS bed and reads comics. Dib gasps.
Welcome to your room Dib! All that dark, spooky stuff was making you sad.
WHAT THE?!! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!!
Aww... SOMEONE I know is GRUUUM-PEE! You get some rest so we can play with ZIM some more tomorrow.
ZIM and I are not friends Keef! I wouldn't be friends with him if he were the last person on Earth! And he's not even a person!
Dib throws Keef out of his window and buries him in all his happy KEEF posters and such..
EXT. MEMBRANE'S FRONT YARD
Weeeee! ZIM and Dib aren't friends? I'm going to make them friends, and they'll be so happy, they'll like me even more!
EXT. ZIM'S HOUSE - NIGHT
GIR is sitting in the yard, holding a fishing rod. KEEF walks up and sees GIR.
GIR's eyes light up, and he just points at KEEF, letting out a joyous squeal of recognition.
I missed you too! I need you to do something very important. You need to tell ZIM to invite Dib over for dinner.
GIR holds his head in his hands, shocked. He makes a joyous, shocked squeal of insanity.
But GIR, it will make ZIM happy and you want him to be happy, right?
GIR bounces happily, and squeals like never before. HE gives KEEF a lunatic thumbs and runs into his house.
INT. ZIM'S LIVING ROOM - THAT NIGHT
ZIM berates GIR.
Invite my filthy nemesis to sup at ZIM's base?! Into MY base for foodening?!
But he so nice. You just gotta give him a chance, and open up his head and sleep in it like a squishy little bed.
WHAT? Look, NO. Invite Dib over...that's insane, even for YOU.
GIR shrugs and walks away. ZIM watches him, suspiciously.
EXT. ZIM'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Keef has been looking in the window.
Hmm...I'll just have to think of something else.
- EXT. ZIM'S HOUSE
Keef, holding a bunch of balloons, rings ZIM's doorbell. ZIM opens the door and sees the tag reads "TO ZIM FROM DIB." ZIM grabs a vacuum pump, sucks up all the air from the balloons and uses it to blow Keef off his property.
- INT. MEMBRANE FAMILY BATHROOM
A messy, just awaked Dib walks into the bathroom to brush his teeth and is startled to see ZIM behind him in the mirror. Dib trips and falls in the toilet. It turns out to be a cutout of ZIM, with a word balloon that reads "I sure do like you!" Dib looks out the bathroom window and sees giggling, sneaky Keef running away from Dib's house.
- INT. SKOOL HALLWAY - THE NEXT DAY
ZIM and Dib eye each other as they walk in opposite directions down the hallway. Suddenly, they are inexplicably drawn to each other and collide with a sick thud. They are stuck together as kids laugh at them. Keef walks by and smiles. Dib and ZIM look in their backpacks and find them loaded with magnets. They look at each other confused and then, with anger, turn their collective gaze down the hall toward Keef. They then struggle to detach themselves.
EXT. DIB'S ROOF - NIGHT
Dib looks through a telescope. Through a telescope's POV, we see a beautifully calm distant planet. The telescope view pans down to see KEEF (accompanied bu scary music) merrily approaching Dib's house. Dib panics and goes to his laptop.
Oh no Keef, you're not getting anywhere near my house. The security system is on and-
He turns to see Keef down below holding a megaphone (but still screaming as
though he weren't).
Hi, BUDDY! I've got news for you Dib.
Top secret news.
Don't your parents wonder where you are?
Yeah. Anyhow, my news is about ZIM.
Yeah, yeah he's a great guy, I know.
KEEF (OBVIOUSLY BEING SNEAKY)
That's true, but the news is he's ready to talk to you. He wants to admit to being a ghost or whatever.
DIB (NOT BUYING IT)
Oh he does, does he?
He sure does. He's just bursting with wanting to-tell-you-ness. Are you bursting with to wanting-to-hear-it-ness?
Yes. Yes, I am.
Great. ZIM will meet you tomorrow night al 7:00 al McMeaties.
The McMeaties on Maple?
The one on Haverford?
The Greenbush one?
No. This is fun!
DIB (LOSING IT)
No it isn't Keef! It isn't fun at all! Which McMeaties?!
The other one on Maple.
Dib goes back to his laptop and presses some more buttons. Down below, a giant scoop-like mechanism picks Keef up and tosses him across the city.
KEEF (cont'd) (O.S)
See ya buddy!
Dib uses his laptop to dial a number. It rings.
INT. MCMEATY'S - THE NEXT DAY
Dib enters and sees ZIM, none-too-pleased, sitting at the booth. Dib walks up to him. GIR, sitting on ZIM's shoulder, eats his food from the top of ZIM's head. Dib sits down. The scene rivals the diner scene in Heat- sort of. Dib and ZIM speak awkwardly as their eyes dart around, aware of being watched. GIR's chewing can be heard throughout.
So, uh, here we are.
Yep. Keef says you wanted to tell me something.
Yes, yes. I sure do.
Isn't Keef just great?
Boy oh boy, yes...So, I'm an alien.
Hmm..I thought so. Well thanks for letting me know. Now we can be friends forever.
The two squirm and wince as they shake hands. Keef jumps in from out of nowhere, excited and beaming!
I DID IT! You guys are friends now! YAY!
We sure are.
I knew it! Now we can ALL be the best friends, and hang out all the time, and we can rent an apartment in the city, and get a car with three steering wheels and buy footy pijamas and-
DIB (SUDDLENY FRANTIC)
Oh no! Footy pijamas! ZIM! THE PLAN! NOW!!
ZIM pulls out another container of the happiness goo, the very same used on Dib earlier.
ZIM splashes Keef with the blue liquid. Nothing happens.
-and we'll spin around and get sick, because that's just so fun, and we'll get jobs fixing copier machines, and oh, it'll be- (extended dialogue)
DIB (THROUGH GRITTED TEETH)
Nothing seems to be happening.
ZIM (TEETH EQUALLY GRITTED)
He must not be happy enough. We're gonna have to make him happier.
DIB (DREAD AND DISGUST)
ZIM (MUCH DISGUST AND HATE)
ZIM reluctanly stands up. Dib starts a weak game of paddy cake with him. Their hands are all over the place and they're mumbling different words. (overlapping extended dialogue) It's pathetic.
OH WOW! LOOKIT THAT! You're even better friends than I thought! WOW!!
He's still not popping.
We'll have to do more.
ZIM angrily begins an awkward jig. Dib locks his arm with ZIM's and jigs right along with him.
YAAY! SO HAPPY!! SO HAPPEEE!!!
I think he's almost there.
ZIM, you are the best friend a guy could have. What with your smart...arms nice sense of... evil.
Thank you, good friend Dib. You too are a pile of friendship and a wonderful display of human boy...nice.
Keef, smiling huge, starts to shake but will not pop. In slo-mo, Dib and ZIM move toward a hug. This is intercut with Keef's increasing shaking. Finally, ZIM and Dib hug.
Back to real time, ZIM and Dib watch slack-jawed as the insanely happy KEEF pops like a balloon. The crowd in the restaurant gasps, until Keef reforms looking woozy.
It's okay everybody. I'm alright.
KEEF passes out.
ZIM and Dib, still hugging, realize what they're doing, kick at each other and separate, looking sick.
Ahem...He'll be out for a few weeks, so I guess that's that.
ZIM and Dib head out of the restaurant. GIR still sits on ZIM's head.
EXT. MCMEATYS - CONTINUOUS
Hey, you admitted to being an alien!
That was just part of the act.
Dib pulls out a little minicamera.
DIB (SUDDENLY EVIL)
But I videotaped it!
AGH! Is that hug on there as well?
Huh? Huh? Ahhhh!
Dib looks at the camera horrified. He shrieks and smashes the camera on the floor. ZIM takes the opportunity to kick Dib on the butt, knocking him to the floor. ZIM runs off, and Dib, furious, chases him.